"A Mormon Jew? But that like, defies the laws of, like... thermodynamics"

Thus said my sorority sister Michella, who is herself an utterly fascinating contradictory combination of stereotypical blonde Valley girl and astrophysics genius.

She's not the only one to question this peculiar fluke of nature, so I thought I'd give a go at enlightening the puzzled.

My parents are both mutts. Which sorta makes me Mutt 2.0. On my mom's side, her dad was half-French half-Irish, and her mom is half-Cambodian half-Chinese. My dad's side is composed of my half-Spanish half-German grandfather and my half-Mexican half-Navajo grandmother. All of this adds up to me, compiled from eight equal 12.5% chunks of ethnicity. Lord Muttious Supreme, Ruler of Mixed Race, Duke of Cornwall. Each of these ethnicities came with it's own accompanying traditional religion. So my parents to decide me with no religion at all.

My paternal grandfather, a descendant of conversos, despite marrying my Catholic grandmother, remained a practicing Jew up until his death. The discovery of this part of my heritage sent me on a journey of seeking and learning that eventually led me to honoring my bloodline and rekindling the faith of my ancestors. (First however, my dad's mom *did* attempt to raise me Catholic, but after I got kicked out of three different Sunday school classes for asking too many questions, she gave up.)

So I embraced Judaism. And thought that was it, that I had found my faith and I was done with exploring other religions.

Enter the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints. I emphasize the words 'Jesus Christ' because if you've ever seen the logo of the Church, you'll know that the words "Church of" and "of Latter-Day Saints" are in regular, normal letters, with "Jesus Christ" slapped in the middle in big, huge 'What now, bitch?' CAPITAL letters. See what I mean?

This is amusing to me because I know this is one of the subtle ways the Church flips off/defends against those in the Evangelical community that are adamant that Mormons aren't Christian. "Look here you freaking little fetchers; its says 'Jesus Christ' right flippin' here morons. Suck my balls."

I'm digressing. Let me go back. Starting when I was 13, my best friend Laura had started taking me to her church, a Unitarian Universalist church, where in religious education class, you learned about all different kinds of religions instead of just one. That class helped build my foundation of knowledge of Judaism, and also introduced me to the LDS Church. I read and studied about the church, and despite the obvious contradictory flaws between Judaism and the Church, some of it really made sense to me. I accept Judaism as a whole, and also accept bit and pieces of LDS doctrine as well. I am baptized as a member of the church and regularly attend Sacrament Meeting. I am a Mormon Jew. Or a Jewish Mormon.

So while it may seem strange that I consider myself to be both Mormon and Jewish at the same time, it's entirely possible and no, Michella, it doesn't violate the laws of thermodynamics. It probably violates string theory, though.

The joy of being miserable

So the other day (Monday, if I recall), it was raining here in Southern Cali. I was at work, and went to my lunch break around 12:30. Now, I normally eat at the food court in the mall, which due to the L-shape of the mall, would be easier to reach by walking outside and cutting through the parking lot, instead of staying inside. So in order to conserve energy, I apply Pythagoreas' theorem and walk directly to my destination. That and the fact that I enjoy watching drivers follow me cause they think I'm leaving the mall and walking to my car and they want my parking spot. It amuses me to no end when they follow me for 10 minutes, then see me cross the street and head back into the mall and they honk and yell and flip me off and I yell back at them to 'blow my ten inch DICK'. This game is especially fun during the holidays, when people are so insane with holiday shopping that they cease to exhibit normal human behavior. Good times.

So anyways, there I was leisurely making my way across the parking lot (because I wasn't all that hungry so I wasn't in a hurry), when the mild drizzle turned back into an all out downpour, and the wind kicked up with enough force to make me unbalanced.

Recently, things in my life have taken a turn for the worse. My parents had increased the frequency of their histrionic fits and the immature crap they keep throwing at me. An ex I had a messy break-up with came back into my life with her new boyfriend and embarked on a vicious and deliberate campaign to throw it in my face with a complete disregard for me and my feelings. My best friend and I had an actual disagreement, nay, a full-blown argument with yelling and short tempers and a smothering sense of frustration.

So as I'm meandering along, iPod on random, contemplating all these things crashing down on me at once, the song on my iPod changes to "Bleed" by Cold, which is a simple song, raw with despair and is the most depressing song I have in my vast collection. I decide to stop walking, and stood there with my arms held open, and welcomed the storm. I stood there, rain soaking me to the bone, wind whipping my hair, clouds dark and menacing looking, Scooter Ward's lonesome voice and guitar in my ear, and I had never felt so miserable in my entire life. So completely dark and depressed and conflicted and confused and totally, utterly alone.

It felt fan-fucking-tastic.

Not literally of course. Depression isn't a warm, tingly feeling. But it was fantastic in that I could *feel* it. Up until that point, I had generally felt kind of.. empty and numb. Like I was walking through my days with my emotions dulled. Each time Shannon sashayed past my store with her new ogre of a boyfriend, making sure I was looking when she stopped him and kissed him, I felt nothing. A small sense of anger at her immaturity perhaps, but for the most part, I didn't feel anything. But there, in that parking lot, I felt something, and I felt something intensely, and it's been a couple months since I've felt something so strongly.

The second part of it being fantastic is the fact that I can feel depressed, and I'm not afraid to feel depressed. In my past, I've found many alternative ways, some extremely harmful to my health, to handle depression instead of just dealing with it. I've been clean for 3 years now, and there had always a lingering fear that one of these days I wouldn't be able to handle those types of feelings and head right back to coke as a way to cope. But I've now reached the point where I'll only give one nanoseconds' thought to using drugs to make these feelings go away (the thought will never completely go away, any ex-addict who tells you otherwise is full of shit; true addiction is for life, the only thing that changes when you go clean is how much power you let it hold over you). Rather, I'll let myself bask in the glorious feeling of depression and feel intensely happy with the fact that I'm no longer too chickenshit to experience life and feel like a normal person without the crutch of substances.

I am not afraid.

Testing

Eh?